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Sticks And Stones…

By Will Turner

As a kid, did you ever chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” in response to some taunting bully? And even though you may have barked your rebuttal with all the swagger you could muster at the time, you found that the “words” actually did hurt. 

The reason a bully’s words stung was because your developing self-esteem was not strong enough to fully protect you. Your self-doubt made you vulnerable as a kid and can haunt you as an adults as well. Some of us have moved past our playground scars, while others have not.

The reality is that even as an adult, your self-esteem and confidence is influenced heavily by your childhood experiences. Were you nurtured or teased? Were you praised or criticized? Did you get attention and hugs or were you expected to be “perfect” all the time? Regardless, your past experiences, no matter how painful, do not have to define you.

I’ve been listening to a lot of audio books in the past couple of weeks on some road trips. I have an entire series of books that are from some of the great success gurus. I highly recommend them to you since they have the power to transform your mind, if you’re so inclined to believe that they can. They include The Success Principles by Jack Canfield, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker, Step into Greatness by Les Brown, The Magic of Thinking Big by Dr. David Schwartz and Why You’re Dumb, Sick and Broke by Randy Gage. 

Different books, different voices but lots of similar messages. One of the common themes is that to achieve your own greatness, you have to believe in your greatness. And to believe fully, you have to reprogram your mind because you have limiting beliefs, whether you realize it or not!

In fact, the gurus all say that you are where you are today based on the choices you’ve made. And the choices you’ve made are based on the beliefs that you hold true for yourself. Therein lays the paradox and irony of it all.

You’re where you believe you should be and you will continue to stay there until you’re able to shed or change the beliefs that you have that got you there. It begs the question, “How can I change if I am where I fundamentally think I should be?”

To understand the how, you must first know the why. In other words, why should you change? The answer has to practically grab you by the throat or kick you in the butt. It has to be important and meaningful enough that it shakes you out of your sleepy complacency. Most of us don’t want to be bothered. But is wasting your potential for one more day the right answer? Is our default position of doing nothing the answer? What has to be at stake for you to change?

Victor Frankl, who endured unspeakable horror and incredible torture as a young man in Nazi concentration camps said, “Man does not simply exist, but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment.” In other words, you get to choose, no matter how dire or oppressed your circumstances may appear. Or, maybe worse, no matter how seemingly pleasant your circumstances may appear.

If you’re ready for change, you need to be brave and see things as they really are. No sugar coating, rationalizations or excuses. Do you ever find yourself blaming other people or other circumstances? Do you find that you have to “defend” your performance? While defense mechanisms help to protect a person’s self-esteem, they usually fall short of producing positive solutions to the problems at hand. So in the long run, you fail and your self-esteem actually suffers. It’s chipped away bit by bit.

To gain control of your life, you have to take charge of your mind and then take charge of your action. The bottom line is you are what you think so don’t let your low self-esteem trap you in a life that falls short of where it should be.

The good news is that I’ve witnessed transformations in self-esteem and confidence. The bad news is no one has figured out how to put it in a pill yet. So, you’ll have to build your self-esteem the old-fashioned way, one day at a time. Here are some specific things you can do that will transform your beliefs (if you believe that they will):

• Evaluate the way you think about yourself. Keep a journal of your thoughts in different situations throughout the week to get in tune with your self-talk. Note whether your thoughts are positive or negative. Pay attention to what limits you impose on yourself. Why do you impose them?

• Examine any negative thoughts you have about yourself. Ask yourself a few questions: When did these negative thoughts begin? How did these negative thoughts begin? Why did these negative thoughts begin? Were you or someone else responsible for planting these thoughts in your head? Are these thoughts really true and applicable today? How would you feel if you could get rid of these thoughts? Challenge yourself to get rid of any negative thoughts.

• List your strengths, positive attributes and accomplishments. Reflect and celebrate these points. Look for ways to stretch and achieve. Reward both small and large achievements.

The bully on the playground can’t harm you unless you give him the power. The words you once shouted were wise, you simply must believe them.

Will Turner is the Founder and President of Dancing Elephants Achievement Group, an international sales training and consulting company. Will is a sales expert with 25 years of sales, marketing and sales management experience. Will created the Sales Magnetism program and co-authored Six Secrets of Sales Magnets. He can be reached at or 804-254-4122.

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